No one is a bigger procrastinator than I am. No one.
My kitchen is totally dark at night and has been totally dark for probably about two months because the light bulbs in the light fixture for my kitchen light went out and I have not yet gotten them replaced.
I have attempted to get them replaced, mind you. I even removed the bulbs from the fixture and put them in a little box which I put in my car so that if I ever made it to Home Depot or Light Bulbs R Us, I would know exactly what kind of light bulb to get. You’re probably thinking “jesus christ on a crouton, just go to the drug store and buy a goddamn light bulb.” If only it were that simple, my friends. if only it were that simple.
The light bulbs I require are halogen light bulbs. Halogen light bulbs are an entirely extraordinary beast of bulb. If regular lightbulbs are horses, then halogen light bulbs are unicorns. They are mythical. The tears of a halogen light bulb have magical powers. Did you know you can’t return a halogen light bulb to the store after you’ve bought it? It’s like, once you touch it, you are bound to it forever. It’s yours. You can’t get rid of it. But then you’re not really supposed to touch them with your bare skin. It hurts them. Did you know this about halogen light bulbs? it’s a true story.
Every time you touch a halogen light bulb with your bare hands, an angel loses its wings.
So I needed halogen light bulbs, And not those long ones that you need for those lamps that everyone had in college. You know the lamps I’m talking about– they were blazing hot, and often a fire hazard, and when you turned them on, they lit up not only your bedroom, but the entire fucking block. I’m telling you, you can see those lamps from space.
In college, we used to light our cigarettes off these lamps. These lamps are not safe. They will kill your children.
So last night I’m standing in the kitchen attempting to make food in the dark, telling my friend about how it’s been months and I really need to get a light bulb. “Man, if I’d ordered the damn lightbulbs online, I could have had them months ago.” Then I thought about this.
“You know what? I’m going to go order lightbulbs online right now.”
Then I thought about that.
“Oh forget it, I don’t feel like dealing with it right now, I’ll do it later.”
No more than five seconds passed between my first and second statements. I’m telling you, I barely had time to breathe between exclaiming that I had to buy the light bulbs “right now” and sighing “oh, I’ll do it later.”
Maybe I’ll go to Home Depot on my way home.
Maybe.
