Monthly Archives: February 2009

GOOPing

Posted on February 27, 2009 by | 13 Comments

Analyze This

This week’s installment of GOOPing is neatly timed. Only yesterday, Gwyneth took to the fine pages of People to defend her beloved newsletter against the critics. She believes the antipathy toward her oeuvre results from the fact that people just don’t “get” it. We’re afraid because she’s doing something new and different. She’s challenging our ways of seeing people, and the world. She’s forcing us to think outside the box.

Gwyneth, you’re right. You’ve reached deep into the recesses of my psyche, and figured out the source of my dislike for you. Now, let me return the favor. In this week’s GOOPing, I’m going to dissect Miss Paltrow’s advice to get a glimpse into her soul.

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Posted in Guest Contributors

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A Few Good Vacuums

Posted on February 27, 2009 by | 2 Comments

And they say there are no good men out there.

I found one, ladies. A 29-year-old Michigan man, with so much love to give that he sometimes expresses it in odd places. Very odd places. Like, carwash vacuum kind of odd.

car-wash-hose-flyer_1-1

Jason Leroy Savage may have a court date for indecent exposure, and probably some unresolved medical issues, but he’s clearly also got a big heart. Get in line, ladies. This one’s a keeper.

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Posted in Guest Contributors, Weird Ass Shenanigans

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Kaiser Sucks

Posted on February 27, 2009 by | 28 Comments

HMOs Make My Head Explode

ts-hmo1If there are two things that you, dear readers, know about Angry Black Lady, it’s that she’s Angry and she’s Black.

Well, here’s a fun fact you might not know.  Angry Black Lady has a brain tumor.  It’s actually not a brain tumor, but it is a tumor, and it’s in my head, and let’s face it– Angry Black Lady gets more sympathy mileage when she says brain tumor.  Pituitary tumor, or, for the medically-inclined, microprolactinoma, just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, It's Not a Tumah, Personal Tales

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Canine Companions for Independence

Posted on February 26, 2009 by | 9 Comments

Jared & Maria

Canine Companions for Independence is a wonderful non-profit organization that enhances the lives of people with disabilities by providing highly trained assistance dogs and ongoing support to ensure quality partnerships.

Having practically lived with Jared and Maria for a year, I can attest that the service that CCI provides is invaluable.  Here is best actor nominee Jared the Dog with best supporting actress nominee Maria in their first onscreen appearance:

Pretty great, no?  I can tell you from firsthand experience that Jared is one kick ass dog who will never steal a sandwich out of your hand or dig through the trash for bacon bits (unlike some dogs I know own.)

If you would like more information about CCI, or the services it provides, or if you would like to donate money to this fabulous organization, you can go here.

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Posted in Respect

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Vin Diagrams

Posted on February 26, 2009 by | 13 Comments

The Intersection of Vin Diesel and Vin Diesel

Venn diagrams are diagrams that show all hypothetically possible logical relations between a finite collection of groups of things.

A Vin diagram shows the thing he doesn’t have in common with himself is his brain.

vin-diagram

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Posted in I Am Batshit Insane

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World’s Shortest Escalator?

Posted on February 24, 2009 by | 11 Comments

A Conversation Between Mentally Challenged Architects

Architect No. 1: You know, Bob, we’ve got to come up with a plan that will enable people to get from up there ::points 10 feet upward:: to down there. ::points ten feet downward::

Architect No. 2: I agree,  Bob, but what can we do?  It’s not like we could just make the floor slope downwards at, say twenty degrees or so.

Architect No. 1: No way!  Geez, Bob.  What a crazy thing to even suggest!  Let’s get serious here for a minute, can we?  Whatever will we do?

TICK

TOCK

TICK

TOCK

BY GEORGE WE’VE GOT IT!!


(H/T Nick Malis!)

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Posted in Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Thunderdome!

Posted on February 20, 2009 by | 12 Comments

“Bird-like creature” edition

Some resemblances are too much to ignore. And recently, a THUNDEROUS!!! resemblance has been brought to our attention. Here are two living creatures, so identical in appearance and so different in function that one must perish so the other can live. So here it is: THUNDERDOME!!! Bird-like creature edition.

pariscaption


PARIS HILTON VS. AN EMU

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Posted in Guest Contributors, Miscellany

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GOOPing

Posted on February 20, 2009 by | 8 Comments

In which Gwyneth Paltrow runs our lives

In this week’s installment of GOOP, the newsletter in which Gwyneth Paltrow advises us on how to live and breathe, we are taught how to be less “spent”. Spent is a feeling we are all familiar with at some point, maybe after spending 3 hours cooking poussins. It involves being hella tired, wanting coffee, being groggy and having no energy–otherwise known as “life.”

So Gwyneth, tell me what’s up. What do I do when I am feeling spent? Continue reading →

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Guest Contributors

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: President’s Day

Posted on February 18, 2009 by | 8 Comments

You’re Dead, Yo. Do I Really Have to Celebrate Your Birthday?

Angry Black Lady is tired, y’all. Tired of fake holidays. Tired of not knowing what and who the holidays are for, and most importantly, tired of not knowing when to or when not to go to work.  February Pisses Me Off.

Given that it’s Black History Month, I’m sure I’m supposed to write something about the triumph of the human spirit over societal trappings, or about how men and women were stolen from their lands, corralled and chained onto ships likes beasts and forced to travel great distances to places unseen only to be ripped from their loved ones– wives separated from husbands; sons separated from fathers; babies stripped from the arms of their wailing mothers– and forced to work for no pay and no decent standard of living.

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic

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