Tabloids Go Fucking Berserk
In an effort to give other competitors a fighting chance, Michael Phelps smoked some weed at a party. Oh, the humanity!! A 23-year-old went to a college party and got high – WHAAAAAT? Are you kidding me with this shit?! Mock outrage aside, I think we are all ignoring the important issue here— WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!
First of all, it is a statistical fact that everyone fucking smokes weed.
Second, it is a statistical fact that if you are saying to yourself right now, “nuh-uh, not me. I don’t!” you are a fucking liar.
And for the exactly seven of you who have truly never smoked weed, then give me a call. I know a guy.
Anyway, here’s what an “anonymous source” had to say:
“If he continues to party like that I’d be amazed if he ever won any more medals again!” pontificated one source/party-goer. [Right. Because we all know that marijuana is the gateway to rampant steroid abuse.]
“He didn’t know many people, so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious, and slamming beers from the get-go.”
“You could tell Michael had smoked before. He grabbed the bong and a lighter and knew exactly what to do.”
Ah, I see. So what you’re saying is: HE’S A NORMAL 23-YEAR OLD WHITE COLLEGE DUDE. (I say “white” because black dudes smoke “blunts” or “spliffs“. Another statistical fact.)
Listen here, “party-goer”: He’s Michael Fucking Phelps. He’s like the Most Famous Dude Ever of August 2008. And who are you? A nameless source. A twat. Some chick who is jellis that she didn’t get the pleasure of having Michael Phelps’ cotton mouth slobbering all over hers.
You know what Angry Black Lady thinks? After fifteen years of rigorous training, waking up at 4:30 a.m., and swimming lap after lap like some sort of idiot savant sea creature, if young Phelpsy wants to go to a party, smoke some weed, and slam some beers, then let him. What’s the worst thing that could happen? Instead of swimming the 200m freestyle in just over a minute and a half, he’ll swim it in just over a day and a half.
Big.Fucking.Deal.
“After fifteen years of rigorous training, waking up at 4:30 a.m., and swimming lap after lap like some sort of autistic sea creature, if young Phelpsy wants to go to party, smoke some weed, and slam some beers, then let him.”
::breaks into applause::
::thinks about how applause looks like applesauce::
::breaks into applesauce::
……
::comes back and claps some more::
“Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you. That’s pretty damn good. Unless someone’s dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.” – Eddie Izzard
Also, there was so much press about his voracious appetite during the games. I mean, the man admits to eating fried egg sandwiches, grits, an omelette, french toast, and chocolate chip pancakes as ONE breakfast. Are we really all that surprised?
Go on with your bad self butt-er face.
mmm that sounds delish. now i want choc chip pancakes. THANKS A LOT =P
Even though I don’t like Phelps, in his defence the same thing happened to gold medal winner Ross Ribaglati (sp?). Although they found weed in his urine test after he won the gold for snowboarding, but as Stay See? pointed out, it is a performance debilitating drug, and he got to keep the medal.
Dude whatever Eddie Izzard says is what I align myself with. True story.
For the Record, I have not seen that particular Izzard bit.
I guess there’s an Izzard that lives in all of us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU3VwAzL4bI&eurl
(Around 1:13 or so)
I’m actually surprised on how incredibly little press this is getting.
Whatever silly British tabloid this came out on should have waited til after the Superbowl.
thanks for the info, nice looking blog bytheway