Monthly Archives: April 2009

Mondegreens: Stairway to Heaven

Posted on April 30, 2009 by | 3 Comments

Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin

There’s a lady who’s sure
All that glitters is gold
And shes buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she’s buying a stairway to heaven.

…

And there’s a wino down the road as we wind on down the road
I should’ve stolen Oreos Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The Jew will follow you a lot The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she’s buying a stairway to heaven.

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Posted in Mondegreens

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Chairman Maobama

Posted on April 30, 2009 by | 35 Comments

Pay your respects to Our Supreme Leader! Start goose-stepping!

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As you may have guessed by now, the Angry Black Lady is a kneejerk, bleeding heart liberal. I cried when Obama was elected because just a year earlier during the Clinton/Obama primaries, I’d been talking to my mother, and she said “There’s no way in hell he’ll win the primary.”

Now for a little background, my mom is awesome, amazing, and brilliant. And, she doesn’t take too kindly to bullshit. (Perhaps this is why I became a lawyer–much to her chagrin–to hone my bullshit skills.) For 20 years, this sweet yet cynical middle-aged Jewish woman (she calls herself a “reformed Jew”) has refused to vote because, essentially “the whole system sucks and I don’t want any part of it.”

“They’re all crooks!”

is her battle cry. After Obama won the Democratic Party nomination, my mom said,

“Well there’s no way they’re going to elect a black man president. No way.”

And, when my mom voted in this election for the first time in over twenty years; she made sure to tell me she wasn’t so much voting for Obama as she was against McCain whom she described as “pure evil.”  But I was proud of her anyway.

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Fox News Fvckery, Personal Tales, Please Die in a Fire, Political Shenanigans, Teabilly and GOP Mendacity

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Vince Shlomi is Funky Fresh

Posted on April 29, 2009 by | 6 Comments

Ya heard?!

Vince Shlomi, the shamwow and slapchop salesman (who also has been known to slap a ho) may be the next new Jazzy Jeff.  Now all he needs to do is find his Fresh Prince.

Check it check it check it out!

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Posted in A Wee Bit O' Hilarity

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PS22: Eye of the Tiger

Posted on April 28, 2009 by | 11 Comments

These kids are amazing!

The PS22 chorus in New York City sings Eye of the Tiger.  This is what happens when librulz allow music to remain in the schools.  Little black kids start singing old 80s tunes!  And they’re good!  And maybe they learn something about community and tolerance and the arts, and about white kids and black kids and brown kids and yellow kids all singing in harmony!  Who taught them this nonsense?   Behold their totally hippy dippy choir instructor!  I bet it was him!  He’s the culprit!  Get a haircut, hippy!  No birkenstocks on school grounds!  You’re gonna give all those kids the gay!


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Posted in Cute Shenanigans, I Heart Ye, Kick Ass

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Speidi: Still Dooshy After All these Years

Posted on April 28, 2009 by | 11 Comments

Whoa!  Still Dooshy…

ts-heidi_montag_spencer_prattGet this.  You’re going to love it.  So you know how the Duke and Duchess of Dooshtenshire got hitched again this weekend?  And you know how nobody wanted to pay for the exclusive rights to their pictures because no one gives a shit?

Well, turns out that their wedding was teh suck.

First, there was a cash bar.  CASH BAR.  Beer and wine were free (my guess is that the only beer available was Milwaukee’s Best (it’s not their best!) and the only wine available was Shaun Mondavi Vineyard’s classic reddish style wine drink).  Mixed drinks, however, were ten dollars each.  TEN. DOLLARS.

Second, the food sucked.  The only nosh available was tuna tartare and something described as “chicken salad on a cracker,” but the portions were teeny tiny and there were hardly an servers (they were all outside smoking weed and playing craps, presumably).

Third, there was some velvet rope bullshit at the door.  The invitation said that the reception started at 6:00 p.m.  The doors didn’t open until 7:30 p.m. and the dooshy couple didn’t arrive until 9:00 p.m.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I would’ve grabbed a case of beer, stuffed my purse with crackers, and gotten the hell out of there.

Cruise help me, these two make me want to pee in my own eyes.

[via TMZ]

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Posted in Please Die in a Fire

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The Tax Man Cometh

Posted on April 28, 2009 by | 14 Comments

Snoop Dogg in the Tax Terrordomets-snoop-dogg-smoking

Snoop Dogg, née Calvin Broadus owes more than a quarter million dollars in back taxes to the state of California.  Damn, yo.  That’s more money than Method Man owes; Mr. Man only owed about $53K.

People need to stop smoking so much damn weed and pay their damn taxes.



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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Criminally Stupid

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Best Customer Complaint Letter EVER.

Posted on April 27, 2009 by | 13 Comments

This Continental Airlines customer isn’t going to take any more shit.

Page 1

The rest of the letter is after the jump.

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Posted in A Wee Bit O' Hilarity, Kick Ass, Miscellany

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The GOP Wants You!

Posted on April 27, 2009 by | 8 Comments

To Get Swine Flu!

ts-uncle-sam-wants-you

Remember back in March, the GOP trotted out animatronic wonder, Bobby Jindal to give the Republican response to Obama’s address to Congress?  Remember how he mocked the President’s stimulus package because there was a $140 million appropriation for volcano monitoring, even though at that very moment, Mount Redoubt in Alaska was considering blowing her top (Alaska’s natural response to growing threat of Sarah Palinism)?

Well, the Republicans done fucked up again, by stripping the nearly $900 million in pandemic preparedness from Obama’s stimulus package.

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Posted in Please Die in a Fire, Political Shenanigans

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Why NOT to Worry About Swine Flu

Posted on April 27, 2009 by | 1 Comment

Swine Flu is Less Deadly than Carlos Mencia


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