Monthly Archives: July 2009

An apology and dooshery abounds

ts-douchebags
This is hopefully my last article on the Gates/Crowley/Obama shenanigans.  So as you know the shit went down in Cambridge a couple weeks ago, and no one was ready.  Anyone who has enrolled in Cypress Hill 101 knows that when the shit goes down, you better damn well be ready.

Anyway, I jumped to some conclusions about the woman who made the 911 call, but after listening to the recording of the call, I have to take back the snarky statements I made about the woman being racist.

The woman, Lucie Whalen has been hounded by the press relentlessly.  So much so that she has hired an attorney and released a statement to the press:

The woman who dialed 911 to report a possible break-in at the home of black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. said during a tear-filled news conference in Cambridge Wednesday that she did the right thing calling the police and people who called her racist never understood the situation.

She said if she had to do it all over again, she would call the police again and she hopes the release of the tape recordings of her 911 call to police will vindicate her actions and intentions.

After listening to the call, it seems pretty clear that she was simply doing her civic duty.  She didn’t mention race at all; it was only after being pressed by the police as to whether the suspected burglars were white, black, or Hispanic that she said one of them might have been Hispanic.  (I am in no way intimating that the 911 emergency operator was racist either; it’s a legitimate question, obviously.  We wouldn’t want 911 callers to have to describe people without reference to their race: “There’s a guy–I think he’s trying to break into a house.  I can’t say if he’s black or not.  No, no, I’m not color blind.  I can tell whether or not he’s black, I just can’t say it.  Saying “black” is racist!  His skin is the color of a Snickers bar.  No, I can’t say that he’s Hispanic either.  Saying “Hispanic” is racist!  What color is the house?  Oh it’s black, with Hispanic trim.”

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Is Your Home Protected from Black Intellectuals?

Gee whiz, sounds sort of like last week’s chronicle from one Angry Black Lady.  Ya think Bill Maher reads the ramblings of Angry Black Lady under the cover of darkness?

(h/t Rev. Random!)

Top Ten Things that the Greeks Have Contributed to Society

Because gyros are the heroes of the sandwich worldts-falafelistas

As Sar and I were working together on Top Ten Reasons to Trust the Bible, we had a little side conversation about why it is that the Greeks got the shaft and the Jews came out as gyros heroes when the Bible was written both in Hebrew and Greek.  Our conversation then turned to what the Greeks have done for us lately.  And so this list was born.  -stopthemadness

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Pimp Skates

They see me rollin’… they hatin’…

Today, on a very special Pimp My Ride, alternative forms of ghetto transport.

Even Ice Cube and Smokey would be like “whoa!”

roller-skates

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Henry Louis Gates-gate

Hug it out, bitches! ts-obama_beer_veto

The Gates/Crowley/Obama debacle is going to be solved the good old American way.  Over a beer. According to Obama, it was Crowley’s idea that the three get together and throw back some tasty beverages.  Obama extended an invitation to Brother Gates, and now the three of them are going to meet for a beer at the Black White House.

Just like our forefathers used to do.

Just as a recap, here’s what went down last week.

Sergeant Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department arrested black Harvard professor and scholar Henry Louis “Skip” Gates, Jr. after a neighbor called 911 and reported that two colored folks were breaking into a home.  The colored folks were Gates and his chauffeur.

Crowley was all, “Quit being disorderly.”

Gates was all, “Give me your name and badge number.  Do you know who you’re messin’ with?”

Crowley was all “Hey man, get off my keister.  I’ll speak with you about this outside.”

Gates was all, “I’ll speak with your mama outside.”

Obama was all, “Hey Cambridge PD, quit acting like a bunch of stoopidheads.”

Crowley was all, “Hey, man, get off my keister.  I teach a class on racial profiling.”

Gates was all, “Your mama teaches a class on racial profiling.”

Obama was all, “::eyeroll::”

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Jon and His Ego Minus 8

Where are your kids, Jon? ts-jon-gosselin-fashion

I was hoping that the celebrity massacre which Cait and NFL Guy wrought upon the world by going on their honeymoon would be enough to remove Jon and Kate Gosselin from the public consciousness FO-EVAH.  Silly me.  Seems everything Jon does gets reported.  He broke up with his wife.  He broke up with his girlfriend.  He broke up with his nanny.

My question is this:  Jon, did you break up with your kids too?  Because for all the talk about your girlfriends and hair plugs and new Ed Hardy outfits, I’ve yet to hear a peep about what it is you’re doing for your damn kids right now.

Jon, any man can be a celebrity dooshbag.  Not every man can do the right thing and take care of the 8 fruits of his loins!  And if you are spending time and caring for your kids, rather than running around acting like a dipshit, if I were you, every time a tabloid asks me a question about anything, I would make sure to say “Hey, want to hear about how much time I’m spending with my kids?  You know, when I’m not diddling the nanny?”

Also, lose the Ed Hardy gear.  It’s not helping.

Top Ten Reasons to Trust the Bible

Because It’s Not Obvious ts-neon-bible

I was listening to talk radio the other day and I heard an advertisement for a recently published book entitled Ten Reasons To Trust the Bible, and I laughed and laughed–I think  the title of the book hilarious.  I don’t know what the book is about, and I probably never will read it (I confess I’ve never read the Bible cover to cover even though I was supposed to for a Literature class in college), but it sparked the idea for this list.  Many thanks to Sar for her invaluable help.  -stopthemadness

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Thou Shalt Plow Thine Fields Naked

And I shalt put mine hands down mine glorious pants… ts-umbrella-dancingintherain

Some farmers in eastern India have asked their unmarried daughters to plow the fields naked in the hopes that the bare naked ladies would embarrass the gods so badly that the gods would have no choice but to… MAKE IT RAIN!–Pacman Jones-style.

Witnesses said the naked girls in Bihar state plowed the fields and chanted ancient hymns after sunset to invoke the gods. They said elderly village women helped the girls drag the plows.

“They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains,” Upendra Kumar, a village council official, said from Bihar’s remote Banke Bazaar town.

I’m not sure if the the Indians are mistaken about the true nature of their gods or what, but considering that there always seems to be a drought in India, and that the monsoon season is beginning increasingly late every year, maybe the Indians ought to try a different approach.  Instead of nubile young women, old naked men should plow the fields.  I think that would definitely make the gods cry.

Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Black and Militant? Bitch, please.

Rush Limbaugh, you wouldn’t know black and militant if it killed you in the face ts-dieinafire

The other day, Obama made what was, in my view, a mistake in talking about the Cambridge Police Department’s handling of the arrest of Henry Louis Gates, Jr. after his press conference on healthcare.  After speaking for an hour about healthcare reform, Obama took a final question.  Of course it was about Gates’ arrest.  Obama responded that he thought that the police had handled the matter “stupidly.”  It was a dumb thing to do–taking the question in the first place– because it took the focus off the healthcare reform debate.  But OK, fine he said it.  The shit probably done pissed him off.  He made a mistake in talking about it in the first place, but I don’t think what he said is that big of a deal. 

People are all freaking the fuck out, like Obama called the Cambridge PD the KKK.  What, we’re not allowed to criticize cops now?  When they act like fucking idiots?  He didn’t even use the term racist (although, to be honest, I bet my boob that he was thinking it).  But whatever.  He’s a lawyer.  If there’s one thing that any good lawyer has perfected, it’s picking words carefully.  “The Cambridge Police Department acted stupidly.”  There’s no question in my mind that they acted stupidly.  Anytime you arrest a man in his own house after he’s already proven to you that he lives in that house, and after you yourself already believe that the man lives in that house (as Sergeant Crowley, the arresting officer has admitted–for more, check out Gawker’s recap of the situation), then you’re acting stupidly.  Obama didn’t call Sergeant Crowley stupid.  Or racist.  He said that the Cambridge PD acted stupidly.  Which they did.

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