Monthly Archives: October 2009

Angry Black Lady Chronicles: These Twilight Shenannies Have Got to Stop

Posted on October 30, 2009 by | 2 Comments

As soon as I finish reading Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. ts-twilight

Listen up, y’all.  I must admit, I enjoyed Twilight and New Moon (the books).  I enjoy them in the way that I enjoyed watching Saved by the Bell and 10 years of Beverly Hills, 90210.  I know there’s absolutely no redeeming value in them, and having been an English Major in college, schooled in Thackeray, the Bronte Sisters, Faulkner, and etc., I know that these books are poorly written.  I mean, REALLY poorly written.  Every time I read the words “Bella frowned sleepily” I want to stab my own self in the neck.  Adverb soup is a crime people.  Stephen King, who hates Twilight, by the way, taught me that.  (If you haven’t read his book On Writing, do it.  Do it now.)

Nonetheless, I zoomed through the first two books in a couple days.  Sue me.  I read some crappy ass books, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I read almost every Sweet Valley High book known to womankind back when I was a teenager.  Dude, Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield?  Right the fuck on.  Bruce Patman and his Porsche?  Humunuh humunuh.  Remember when Elizabeth became the bad twin and banged Bruce Patman much to Todd Wilkins’ horror?  Ohhhhh yeahhh.  I’m a sucker for a crappily written book that has some abjectly stupid romance story.   I used to read Harlequin romance novels when I was in high school.  Yeah, that’s right.  I read that shit.  I’m sort of a sap at heart.  (Don’t tell anyone!  Well, except the entire interwebz.)

So I recognize that Twilight sucks from a literary standpoint.  But I still like the books.  But for the love of Cruise, this vampire shit has got to stop before  I burn this motherfucker down.

twilightsucks1

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Culture Critic, Personal Tales

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Fox News is Going to Fire Shep Smith

Posted on October 30, 2009 by | 68 Comments

Mark My Words faux-news-poster

Y’all may be aware of the so-called war going on between Fox News and the Obama administration.  The Obama administration has called out Fox News for what it is–an extension of the Republican Party.   He refuses to visit Fox’s Sunday shows and is basically giving Fox the silent treatment.

And boy is Fox News pissed off about it.  Recently, Glenn Beck compared Fox News workers to victims of the Holocaust, claiming that when Obama is finished persecuting Fox News workers, then Obama is going to come after you.

Run for the hills!

I don’t really care if you’re a Democrat, a Republican, or a Libertarian, you all know damn well that Fox News is not “Fair and Balanced.”  It’s also not news.  It’s an opinion network.  I wouldn’t have such a problem with Fox News if they would be upfront about the fact that they are an opinion network.  At least MSNBC has the common sense to use “The place for politics” as its tagline.  This “Fair and Balanced” shit is just a blatant lie.  It’s false advertising.  And I wish Roger Ailes would die in a fire.

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Fox News Fvckery, Political Shenanigans

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: I’m a Bit of an Asshat

Posted on October 29, 2009 by | 75 Comments

Mea Culpa and a Request ts-stopthemadness

Hi, I’m stopthemadness. And I’m opinionated, stubborn, and prone to wild outlandish statements. And also, I’m a bit of an asshat.

More than two years ago, I stumbled across Mollygood.com.  I sat and lurked for six months. Why? Because the Hags were a scary bunch. Funny. Smart. Well spoken. And did I mention funny? The Hags didn’t take any shit. And they regulated the comment section.

When I finally got up the cojones to comment, I remember thinking to myself, “Oh Jebus. I hope I’m not barging in on some sort of party here.”  Of course that thought didn’t stop me.  I started commenting.  Like a motherfucker.  And it felt GOOD.  I began to develop relationships with the Hags.  Pretty soon I became a Hag myself. And to tell you the truth, squeeple?  My life is better for it.  I get to spend the Thanksgiving holidays with Cait and NFL Guy.  I spent a lovely weekend in New Orleans at Cait’s wedding with Lisa(#1) and Mae this summer.   For four months while I was unemployed (and pissed off about it), I typed at Lily the Pink until my fingers bled, bitching about life, and scheming and plotting for world Squee!-domination.  Whenever I’m feeling low, I pop over to Facebook update my status to something rick-diculous, and immediately Hags and Squeers! alike comment on my thread and make me feel like I’m not alone in this mixed-up crazy world.

“What the hell is the point of this post, STM?” you might be asking.

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Musings, Personal Tales

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Marriage Equality: This Man Deserves a Standing Ovation

Posted on October 29, 2009 by | 5 Comments

I want to give this man a hug, and say “Thank you.”

“The woman at my polling place asked me do I believe in equality for gay and lesbian people. I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her: what do you think I fought for in Omaha Beach?”


Thank you for all that you’ve done, all that you’ve fought for, and all that you believe in.  Thank you for being a beautiful human being.


(Thanks to Natasha for the tip!)

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Posted in Culture Critic, I Heart Ye, Political Shenanigans

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The Governator is Angry…

Posted on October 28, 2009 by | 8 Comments

And You Wouldn’t Like Him When He’s Angry arnold-schwarzenegger

As you may know, California is in the throes of a budget crisis the likes of which the state has never seen.  Also, Arnie’s ratings are in la toilette.  (That’s French for “shitter.”)  The California Legislature’s ratings are faring even worse.

Basically, no one in California is happy with the state government, and Arnie’s getting a lot of flack for it.

Well, recently, the California Legislature approved Assembly Bill 1176, a bill that has something to do with infrastructure financing issues.  I’m not going to read it.  Just thinking about it makes me yawny.

The Legislature sent AB 1176 to Arnie for his signature but Arnie wasn’t having it.  And he let the Legislature know as much in somewhat cryptic terms:  Fuck You.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Political Shenanigans

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Bush Comes Out of Hiding

Posted on October 28, 2009 by | 33 Comments

“Get Motivated”?  How about “Get Bent”? ts-george-bush

In what can only be described as “a fucking joke,” George Bush crawled out of his hidey hole to launch his new career as motivational speaker.

Yeah.

Seriously.

On Monday, he spoke to a crowd of about 11,000 idiots at a business motivational seminar called “Get Motivated!” some Republican Motivational Crapfest in Fort Worth, Texas.

During his speech, Bush claimed that he brought honor and dignity to the office. Um, no. No you didn’t. You know what else you didn’t bring? A dictionary or a passing knowledge of the English language.

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Political Shenanigans

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Andre Agassi Admits to Using Crystal Meth

Posted on October 28, 2009 by | 19 Comments

Laments Hair Loss ts-andre_agassi_01a

Andre Agassi, formerly long-haired tennis hottie has a new book coming out, and his book deals with his use of crystal meth and his tragic hair loss.  One can’t help but wonder whether the two are related.

According to People,

Agassi’s book, Open, details his descent into drug use, as well as his hair loss, his troubled marriage to Brooke Shields and the love he eventually found with his current wife, Steffi Graf.

Cripes, squeeple.   Andre Agassi?  Crystal Meth?  Really?  I was pretty damn shocked to find out that the fruit of Michael Douglas’s loins is a meth head, but now Andre Agassi?

I also am now curious how much of his book deals with hair loss.  I guess his hair loss was a watershed moment for him.  He won Wimbledon in 1992, lost his hair somewhere between 1993 and 1997, and then decided to drown his Wimblesorrows in a pool of speed.  …the hell?  Why?  Who knows.  Maybe all his tennis mojo was in his hair.

ts-agassi

You look better bald. David Lee Roth hair is a crime.


This raises a question for me.

What’s the deal with men and their fear of  baldness? Why are you men so afraid of losing your hair? And when you do start to lose your hair, why do you feel the need to make yourselves looks like jackasses by combing it over and swirling it around to cover the bald spot? Toupees, spray on hair, hair plugs… why, why, WHY!?

JUST SHAVE YOUR DAMN HEAD! MIRITE, LADIES?

I’m looking at you, Jude Law.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans

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You’re Fired!

Posted on October 21, 2009 by | 4 Comments

Octomom’s Octodoc is OUT.

octomom

Hey, remember Octomom? Remember how she spent all her disability money to make her face look like Angelina Jolie’s when it actually looks like a cross between No Please Don’t and Oh Dear God Why? Well the idiot doctor who shoved all the eggs he could find into Nadya Suleman’s womb (including a Cadbury Crème egg if I’m not mistaken) got booted out of the fertility society he was in. Something about how you’re not supposed to implant 15 thousand hundred eggs into the womb of a crazy person who already has six children.

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Posted in Please Die in a Fire

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Jon and Kate Plus 8 Kids Who are Going to Need Therapy

Posted on October 19, 2009 by | 33 Comments

Thank you, Cruise.  Now Can They All Go Away?  Far Far Away? ts-jon-and-kate

I must admit that I’m thankful to Cruise and Xenu that TLC is being forced to pull the plug on Jon and Kate Plus 8.  I’m also proud that I can say that I have never not once watched even a millisecond of this show.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those nose-in-the-air, “I only watch PBS” types.  No sirree.  Back in the day, I was a Big Brother, Survivor, and America’s Next Top Model enthusiast.   And by “back in the day,” I mean last year.  But alas, work and ‘squee force me to be much more discerning with my television watching.

But, even though I never watched the show, the whole idea struck me as profoundly disturbing.  There’s voyeurism and then there’s voyeurism. Also, the little Gosselin Crumbsnatchers now have a video documentary of the travesty that is the end of the 10 year long relationship between these two fame whores.

And to top it all off, there probably won’t even be any money available to pay for the shock therapy these kids will require long after the public has forgotten who Jon and Kate are, because Jon Gosselin and his lawyers ordered TLC to cease filming.  No TLC personnel are allowed to step foot on the property Jon still owns with his wife.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Please Die in a Fire

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