Monthly Archives: November 2009

Tom Cruise Auditions for Twilight

High-larious

(Thanks to mme marbles for the tip!)

Baby Got Back

Then Baby Went to Peru, Got Murdered, Had All Her Fat Drained Out, And Now She’s in the Coroner.  if_fat

There’s a roving gang of crazy Peruvians who are killing fools and draining their fat out of their corpses and then selling it on the black market to cosmetics companies.  Oh yes.  You read me right.  You better check all your lip glosses, ladies.  You might be slathering Peruvian human lipids all over your lips.

Actually, human fat is frequently extracted from one’s own ass and thighs to inject into one’s face.  Did I make this up?  Perhaps.  But I saw it on an episode of Nip/Tuck once, so it must be true.  Or maybe that was urine being used in a face cream.  Whatevs, squeeps.  I’m not Encyclopedia Brown here.

Three suspects have confessed to killing five people for their fat, said Col. Jorge Mejia, chief of Peru’s anti-kidnapping police. He said the suspects, two of whom were arrested carrying bottles of liquid fat, told police it was worth $60,000 a gallon ($15,000 a liter).

Mejia said the suspects told police the fat was sold to intermediaries in Lima, the Peruvian capital. While police suspect the fat was sold to cosmetic companies in Europe, he could not confirm any sales.

Medical experts expressed doubt about an international black market for human fat, though it does have cosmetic applications. Yale University dermatology professor Dr. Lisa Donofrio speculated that a small market may exist for “human fat extracts” to keep skin supple, though scientifically such treatments are “pure baloney.”

Oh sure, some Yalie said it’s pure baloney.  Mmmm… fatty delicious baloney.  Or is it “bologna”?  Can I get a ruling on the proper spelling of “bologna”? Anyone?  No?

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Toby Jones’ Cheapass Legal and Prepaid Daycare Academy

Toby Jones Rides Again!

A few months ago, my friend Lisa(#1) brought you Toby Jones’ Good Ass BBQ and Foot Massage advertisement.  Well Toby Jones has done it again.  This time it’s Jones’ Cheapass Legal and Prepaid Daycare Academy.  They’ve got top notch molester free day care services!  Who can argue with that?

Angry Black Lady loves Toby Jones.  No diggity.  No doubt.

(Thanks to Reverend Random for the tip!)

Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Racism? Not Racism?

I say not racism.    MIRITE?

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Couples Retreat was released in the theaters recently.  I don’t know when.  I don’t care.  It looks stupid.  Probably just stupid enough for me to laugh whilst drinking the six pack of beer I smuggle into my purse at movie theaters.

Yesterday, apparently, there was some hub bub, a broo ha ha, or a kerfuffle, if you please, over Universal Studios removing the black actors from the poster that was used to promote the movie in the UK.

I know, right?  That’s like, totally racism?  Why not remove some of the other couples?  Well, because the other stars, Vince Vaughn, Kristen Bell, that other dude, and whatshisbutt are, like, way more popular than Black dude no one’s really heard of, and some black chick who’s been in in like, 4 shows, on par with That’s so Raven! and Moesha.  Basically, they’re people many folks  in America have never heard of, so the bloody Brits sure as hell don’t know who they are.

Meh,  I know I’m supposed to be all “this is an outrage!” but whatever, right?  The movie sucks (only 12% on Rotten Tomatoes).  Vince Vaughn has made a string of craptastic movies ::ahem:: Fred Clause and frankly, I don’t give a crap.  And, in any event, Universal has decided not to use those posters overseas.  They say that they’re “sorry to have offended anyone.”  So… no harm no foul.  But if the next big Denzel movie comes out, and the UK posters show this picture:

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Jon Gosselin (Probably) Has a Sex Tape

I (definitely) would rather remove my eyeballs with a rusty melon baller than watch it.

ts-underwear-rug

I know you're sick of looking at pictures of Jon Gosselin, Lord of the Doosh, so instead, check out this supersweet tighty whitey rug.

What the crap, y’all?  Who or what did Jon Gosselin piss off to warrant the extended cosmic wedgie which the universe seems hellbent on inflicting upon him?  Jon Gosselin’s metaphorical Fruit of the Looms are pulled so far over his head that Gosselin is suffocating on the stench of his own nether regions.  You know how on Fruit of the Looms Classique, there’s a little patch in the crotch?  Well that white patch is now cradling his chin.

The latest and greatest?  Gosselin’s bodyguard, Thomas Meinelt is slated to testify in TLC’s lawsuit against Gosselin for breach of contract.  He claims to have seen a videotape of Gosselin having sex with some woman and also says he saw Gosselin partying and doing blow:

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Angry Black Lady Chronicles: Schadenfreude…

A Dish Best Served With a Shot of Whiskeyts-simpsons_nelson_haha3

Remember the Philadelphia swim club that didn’t want a bunch of dirty colored folks swimming in their pool? Well looks like those bastards had to file for bankruptcy.

I’ll give you a minute to shout “HA HA!”

The president of the club, John Duesler complained:

“While many will point towards our legal situation and negative media exposure this summer as the reason, the truth is that the club has struggled to stay out of the red for at least the last decade. . . . And our current debt from this year’s operations and legal fees now exceeds $100,000.”

[Club] Members “are all tired and beaten down and just sickened by how our club has been improperly portrayed,” he said, according to the Daily News. “After speaking to many members, my sense is that mostly everyone wants to move on.”

Improperly portrayed my ass.  The club kept claiming that there were too many kids that day and not enough lifeguards, and that only a few of the kids knew how to swim.  (Yeah. Seriously.  Everybody knows black people can’t swim, MIRITE?)  The Pennsylvania Human Rights Commission found probable cause for race discrimination and levied a $50,000 fine on the Club.  The commission also found that other large groups of kids had frequented the club and not been kicked out, and the club had no black members out of the 334 paid memberships over  the last two years.

One of the rejected kids sued the Club, and more kids were planning to sue.  Unfortunately, now they’re going to have to get in line behind a bunch of creditors in bankruptcy court.  It’s unclear whether their lawsuits will proceed but that’s okay by me because,  you know,  HA HA!!!

Lesbians Do It Better

And here’s to you, Mrs. and Mrs. Robinson ts-gay-pride-flag-738850

Well this is interesting.  A researcher in Britain, Stephen Scott says that his research shows that children of lesbian couples do better in life than the offspring of heterosexual couples.  Stephen Scott, who is the director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners presented his new research at the launch of Demos, a new London-based think tank.

Stephen Scott, director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners, has said his research shows children from lesbian couples do better in life than the offspring of heterosexual couples.

His controversial position draws backing from research that suggests children with two female parents are more aspirational than those with opposite-sex parents. Some studies also also shows children with lesbian parents are no more or less likely to have tendencies towards homosexuality.

Research at Birkbeck College, part of London University, and Clark University in Massachusetts suggests that same-sex couples make good parents because children cannot be conceived accidentally – parents must make an active decision to adopt or find a sperm donor.

According to the naysayer Jon Davies, chief executive of Families Need Fathers: “Since all children will have a biological father the child has a right to know who that is. In most families where there will be a mother and a father, a father is needed to support them. But it is the quality of parenting that counts in the end regardless of the parents.

Um okay.  Way to contradict yourself in the same breath.  Do kids need a father or is it the quality of parenting that counts?

I say it’s the latter.  What do you say?

DJ AM’s Estate Files Wrongful Death Claim

The lawsuit blames the plane crash for DJ AM’s drug overdose. It totally makes sense. Except it doesn’t.

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The estate of Adam Goldstein (aka DJ AM)  has filed a lawsuit against the charter company that was responsible for the fatal September 2008 plane crash involving Goldstein and Travis Barker of Blink 182.  The crash killed four of Barker and Goldstein’s friends; Barker and Goldstein were severely injured.  The lawsuit claims that the charter company ultimately was responsible for DJ AM’s overdose back in September.  Seriously.

The estate is alleging that after the plane crash, Goldstein fell off the wagon and turned back to drugs to deal with the pain and trauma of the crash:

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Camel vs. Plastic Bin

A Pictorial Tale

camel

Oh hello! I'm a camel! What are you? A bin? Nice to meet you, Bin!


camel-1

Why are you being so coy, Bin!? I just want to put you in my mouth.


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