Monthly Archives: December 2009

Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins: Splitsville

Posted on December 24, 2009 by | 1 Comment

The coolest, hippest, couple in Hollywood is done-zo ts-robbins-sarandon

Oh no, y’all!  Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, the coolest hippy couple since Cheech and Chong have split up!  Waaaah.  Well, I guess the fact that they never married means they don’t have to go through some nasty public divorce proceedings.  Silver lining?

Apparently they’ve been split up since the summer.

“Actress Susan Sarandon and her partner of 23 years, actor Tim Robbins have announced that they separated over the summer,” her rep Teal Cannaday tells PEOPLE in a statement. “No further comments will be made.”

Aw, maaaaaan!  ::stomps foot::  I really liked them.  I like their politics.  I like the fact that they never married.  I don’t know why I like that fact.  It just seemed cool to me.  Like “we don’t need no stinkin’ marriage.  We’re in love.  And we’re together.”  Plus she was 12 years older than him.  When does that ever happen?  (And she looks great… I don’t even need to qualify that with a “for her age.”  She looks great.  Full stop.)  They have two kids together.  And they just kicked ass, in my view.  And now after 23 years, they just quietly walked away.

Aw, nuts.

In the made-up words of Friedrich Nietzsche: LOVE IS DEAD.


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Tiger Woods: Addiction to Sex, Vicodin and… Ambien???

Posted on December 22, 2009 by | 4 Comments

What the biscuits? ts-tiger-woods-flexing

Well, we all knew it was coming.  It’s the celebrity way.  Call someone a faggot, or a nigger, or a sugartits (so sweet and tasty!), and just go to rehab!  That’s how celebrities get it done:

In a last-ditch effort to save his marriage, a shell-shocked Tiger Woods will check into rehab to seek treatment for his sexual compulsions and prescription drug use, insiders have told The Enquirer exclusively. The disgraced golfing great agreed to get help at an Arizona clinic after spending the Christmas holiday with his family, say sources. The serial cheater’s decision to get therapy is part of a deal struck with his stunning wife Elin to persuade her not to dump him.

“Elin gave Tiger an ultimatum — seek treatment or forget all about winning her back,” revealed an insider. “Rehab is at the top of the list of things he must do. Tiger will be going into rehab in early January to treat his sexual compulsion and his use of the drugs Ambien and Vicodin.”

First of all, ambien?

Second of all, ambien?  REALLY?

Finally, I’ve never understood the obsession with forcing people to go to rehab just for acting like an asshole.  Are they going to some sort of Asshat Ashram?  Are they sitting in the lotus position while chanting ohm mani padme so sorry for being an asshat?  Seriously, y’all.  Where is this Asshat Retreat?  I know a couple people who should go there.  Hell, I ought to go there every once in a while.

Cripes.

Tiger has really stepped in it, hasn’t he?  He was this goody two shoes-lookin’ fool and now I look at him and all I think is strippers, and whores, and golf, oh my!   And really, when was the last time you thought “golf” and immediately thought “whores”?

Never?

That’s what I thought.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Criminally Stupid, Please Die in a Fire, Sports Shenanigans

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Not so fast, Tiger!

Posted on December 18, 2009 by | Leave a comment

Don’t start booking your TV apology tour just yet… it’s not as effective when you’re divorced

ts-elin-tiger
Well, looks like Elin Nordegren is cutting her losses and leaving Tiger’s philandering slutty ass.  She’s filing for divorce.

According to Radar:

Tiger Woods’ wife Elin has decided to file divorce papers, RadarOnline.com is reporting exclusively.

Too many women and too many lies have pushed her over the edge. The financial terms of the split are going to take a while to work out, but as of right now Elin has made up her mind that she can no longer be married to Tiger, a source familiar with the situation told RadarOnline.com.

“She’s not going to let Tiger talk his way out of this,” the source said. “There’s nothing he can say to erase years of betrayal.”

At least 14 women have been sexually linked to Tiger since Rachel Uchitel was first revealed as Tiger’s mistress for the past five months. When Tiger’s affair with Uchitel became public it led to a bitter fight that ended with Tiger driving his car into a fire hydrant and tree.

Ding dang, Tiger.  One or two out of wedlock penis adventures might be forgivable.  But last I checked, the count was up to, like, 14, and on top of that, the media is reporting that you are rushing to pay off Rachel Uchitel in order to keep her from releasing text messages and voice mails that indicate that she was more than your bang buddy.  She might have been an actual love interest or some shit.

I think your wife might have been able to forgive a couple transgressions–banging some whores or strippers or porn stars as most of the women who allowed you entrance into their cave of shame and disease were.  But actually falling for one?  Texting about leaving your wife?  Telling your mistress that you only married your wife to boost your image?  No.  Nein.  Nyet.  Is no good.  No bueno.  No whizzle fo shizzle.  No wai.  OMG.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Sports Shenanigans

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Don’t Put a Pap Smear in My Stocking

Posted on December 17, 2009 by | 5 Comments

Any person who buys me a pap smear for Hanukkah or Christmas or Kwanzaa is getting the swift brick of justice applied with a heavy hand to the face



So what do y’all think about CBS’s PSAs? I think they are as weird as Planned Parenthood offering gift certificates (Christmas abortions for everyone!), but that’s just me. I’m all for women’s health. Yes, a doctor should peer into your ladyhole with an extremely cold instrument, but for Christmas? Really? When I think “holiday cheer,” the term “feet in stirrups” does not come to mind. But maybe that’s just me…

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Posted in Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Mastur-what!?

Posted on December 17, 2009 by | 9 Comments

Seriously!?

ts-michigan

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Posted in Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Ukulele Boy!

Posted on December 15, 2009 by | 4 Comments

I don’t know what this kid is singing about, but I like it.

(Thanks to Ernessa, our fierce and nerdy friend for the tip!)

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Posted in Cute Shenanigans, Kick Ass

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Tattoo Fail!

Posted on December 15, 2009 by | 3 Comments

It’s too late.

ts-mission-unaccomplished

[via Lamebook]

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Posted in What the Crap!?

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Perez Hilton? Render Unto Me a Fucking Break

Posted on December 15, 2009 by | 4 Comments

Perez Hilton is named Hispanic of the Year. ts-perez-hilton-hispanic

Hispanic Magazine named semen artist Perez Hilton “Hispanic of the Year.” I’ll give y’all a minute to let that Nugget of No Fucking Way sink in.

Perez Hilton is an ass who bring exactly jack and squat to the table, other than a keen ability to ingratiate himself to the celebrities he used to make fun of.

I used to read Perez Hilton. Back when he was pagesixsixsix. Back then, he castigated Paris Hilton on the regular, and I kept reading because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Paris Hilton deserves to be castrated. I mean castigated. What did I say earlier?

But then Paris got her hooks in him and he became her BFF.  After that, it was all over.  Perez’s modus operandi became “get me into a party and hang out and take pictures with me or else I’ll draw a cum stain on your face and tell everyone you’re gay.”

I find it offensive as a person who knows a lot of Hispanic people (heh) that this magazine would name this fucktard Hispanic of the year, instead of say, SONIA FUCKING SOTOMAYOR.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, LGBTQ Shenanigans, Please Die in a Fire

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Chris Brown Leaves Twitter

Posted on December 15, 2009 by | 4 Comments

This is me not caring.chrisbrown

Last week, Chris Brown got his underroos in a bunch when he found out that a bunch of retailers, including Wal Mart, were refusing to stock his new CD Graffiti on their shelves.  Like any pissed off person with too much time on his hands, he took to  Twitter:

-” im tired of this shit. major stores blackballing my cd. not stockin the shelves and lying to costumers. what the fuck do i gotta do…- WTF… yeah i said it and i aint retracting shit – im not biting my tongue about shit else… the industry can kiss my ass.”

Wal Mart was all, “huh?” and released a statement:

“All Walmart stores nationwide have carried the CD since its release, including the Wallingford, [Conn.], store mentioned in the post. This store actually sold through its initial shipment over the weekend. The majority of our stores today are showing they do have copies available.”

Yesterday, Chris Brown took it to the streets Twitter again:

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Please Die in a Fire

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