Sandra Bullock Denies Rumors About Sex Tape

It’s like I done told ya.

I'm swimming in misery. And probably STDs.

So remember how there were rumors about a potential nasty sex tape mit Nazis and poo, and I was all “NO WAI!”?

Remember? It was yesterday.  Well, 75% of you voters were correct.  Well, it’s not really 75% of “you voters,” since you were allowed to select more than one answer.  I guess it would be 75% of the answers of whomever the hell was voting.

Look, I’m not a mathematician.  I don’t know how this all works.  The one thing I do know, is that I know exactly Jack and Taco about percentages, fractions, and statistics.  Seriously.  I had the chicken pox when they taught fractions and it’s been my cross-eyed bear ever since.  My failure is only compounded by the fact that my dad taught statistics at Howard University back in the 80s.  Sorry, pops.

But I digress.

Which is not unusual.

Um, what were we talking about?

Oh right.  Nazis and poop.

They go hand in hand like peas and carrots?  MIRITE?  What?  I don’t know.  No, YOU SHUT UP.

Moving on…

Today, Sandra told People that the whole sex tape thing is a damned lie.  A lie, I say!  Well, she says:

Sandra Bullock has broken her silence during her marriage crisis, denying an Internet report there’s a sex tape with her and husband Jesse James.

“There is no sex tape,” she says in a statement to PEOPLE on Tuesday. “There never has been one and there never will be one.”

Until now, Bullock, 45, had not commented, remaining in seclusion since reports surfaced that James, 40, allegedly had cheated on her with at least four other women.

So there.

Damn the tapes!

And the apes.  Whatever happens, you must always damn the apes.