Monthly Archives: May 2010

Tiger Woods Banned From Dating

Posted on May 30, 2010 by | 1 Comment

Yeah, because that’ll work.

Tiger’s wife is leaving him, y’all.  She may get up to 750 million dollars in the divorce.  Crikey!  And you can bet your ass her lawyers are watching Tiger like a hawk. Heh.

From US Weekly,

Despite Tiger Woods’ imminent divorce from wife of five years Elin, 30, an insider tells Us Weekly his legal team told him he can’t date until the split is finalized.

“Elin’s building a character case [based on his serial philandering],” the insider says. “Elin’s team is watching [Tiger's] every move.”

Her goal? “She wants more money than Michael Jordan’s ex got,” another source says, referring to the former NBA star’s $168 million payout to his ex-wife.

As for custody of the kids Sam, 2, and Charlie, 15 months, “They’ll share it,” says the insider.

“But she wants permission to take them to Sweden whenever she wants.”

I want to be able to go to Sweden whenever I want.  Sweden is cool.  With the lingonberries and the pirates and the other stuff.

I also want 750 million dollars.  So, if anyone has that.  Or even, like, 1 million dollars, give me a call.

Five dollars?  I’ll take 5 dollars.

Fine, just give me a quarter and we’ll call it even.

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Sports Shenanigans

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Sookie Sookie: Dennis Hopper

Posted on May 29, 2010 by | Leave a comment

So long, Easy Rider.

Dennis Hopper succumbed to prostate cancer today.  He was 74.  I know it’s wrong, because Dennis was in so many great movies, but the first thing I think of when I hear his name is “Pop quiz, hot shot…there’s a bomb on a bus.  Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed.  If it drops below fifty, it blows up.  What do you do?”

That’s two in two days.  Who’s next?


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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Sookie Sookie

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Ben Kingsley Parodies Heidi Montag’s Transformers 3 Audition Tape, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt Separate, and More: The Shit is Bananas

Posted on May 28, 2010 by | 1 Comment

That’s Sir Ben Kingsley to you, hoi polloi motherfuckers.

I don't care how badass you are, I'm not going to see Prince of Persia.


Transformers 3 is coming out soon (blargh!) and Megan Fox won’t be in it.  Who knows why, really.  Who cares.  Either it’s because she’s an ungrateful asshat, or Michael Bay is a misogynistic asshat.  Either way, they’re both asshats.  That’s what it boils down to.  You know who else is an asshat?  Heidi Montag.  But do you know what she did today that makes her, in my esteemed opinion, just a teensy bit less of an asshat?

She left the Flesh Bearded Wonder.

OK, so she hasn’t left Spencer Pratt, a man even his own mother hates. In fact she hasn’t even come out and said she plans to leave him.  But her rep talked to TMZ which means she must have thought about it.  Right?  Here’s what her rep said: “Heidi is looking to move out due to all the fake bad press that Spencer controls. She’s tired of it and is looking for a place and wants to focus on her acting career.”

Oh, shut your face.  I haven’t gone soft.  She’s still some sort of ass headgear–an asscap, maybe.  But, if the Hollywood murmuring is true, and Spencer has become controlling and abusive, then even if she only thought for a split second about leaving him, and even if she’s only doing it to increase her celebrity, she still deserves to move down a spot on my Official Asshat Ranking Chart.  (Yes, I have a chart.  No, you may not see it.)*

“What the hell does this have to do with Ben Kingsley?” you may be thinking.

Calm down!  I’m getting there!  Where’s the fire?  Oh that fire?  Well, yeah, I set that fire, but it’s not going to spread for at least another 15 minutes, so just relax.

ANYWAY,

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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, I Am Batshit Insane, Kick Ass, Please Die in a Fire

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Sookie Sookie: Gary Coleman

Posted on May 28, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Gary Coleman: Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Grim Reaper?

Dang.  I heard yesterday that Gary was in the hospital as a result of an injury, but ding dang, y’all!  He done died! He was only 42.  Sure, calling him “sookie sookie” material might be a tall order, but he was my doppelganger and a tiny part of my childhood.

Peace out, Gary.


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Posted in Sookie Sookie

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An Unlikely Friendship Between a Polar Bear and a Sled Dog

Posted on May 28, 2010 by | 7 Comments

Side by side, my amigo…

Uh oh. Polar bear and sled dogs? This might not end well. Especially if you've seen Lost.

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Posted in Cute Shenanigans

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Don’t Ask Don’t Tell on the Verge of Being Repealed

Posted on May 27, 2010 by | 9 Comments

It’s raining army men! Hallelujah!

Gay rights activists, and people with common sense, have been beating the “Repeal Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” drum every since Obama was inaugurated.  Obama has been fairly nonchalant about it and has been pissing people off.  I’ve always thought that it was just one of those things he was going to get to eventually, after the stimulus, passing the healthcare bill, taking on Wall Street, and now the fucking oil spill that is still gushing.  Rightfully, however, activists were not satisfied and began to push lawmakers to do something about it NOW, before the Republicans retake the House in November.  (Which, let’s face it… they probably will.)

So, an amendment was added to this year’s Defense Authorization bill, which is basically the big ass defense spending budget.  The amendment repeals the ban on gays being really fucking gay in the military.  No more “Are you gay, dude?  Wait, wait, don’t tell me.” It’s gonna be straight up feather boas and perfectly coiffed hair in the military from here on out, y’all!  Why?  Because stereotypes are AWESOME.

Predictably, the right is freaking right the fuck out.  Why?  Because of course they are.

Right wing hate group “America’s Survival” portends that “disease-tainted gay blood threatens our troops.” You know.  Because all gay people have AIDS and stuff.

The Family Council is wringing its collective hands too, worried that the repeal of DADT “will turn the U.S. military into a terrifying free-rape zone”, and that heterosexual service members  “will be fellated in their sleep against their will.”

Seriously.  This is how these asshats think.

First of all, the military already is a free-rape zone: One in every three female service members is sexually assaulted.  Second of all, not all heterosexual service members have penises that are ripe for the fellatin’.  So there’s that.  There’s also this: STOP BEING SUCH A BIGOTED ASSHAT.   Continue reading →

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Posted in LGBTQ Shenanigans, Political Shenanigans

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Germany’s Anarchist Pogo Party is Off the Chain

Posted on May 27, 2010 by | 2 Comments

And that chain seems to be attached to some naked lady wielding a can of beef stew and wearing a plastic bag over her head.

Oh sure, like this isn't a German unicorn.


There’s a law in Germany that requires political ads to be broadcasted uncensored.  So, here’s the Anarchist Pogo Party’s ad from five years ago.

As my friend straight cakin’ son said, “Look at this and tell me how Hitler got as far as he did.”

[It's not exactly safe for work.  Or for life.  After the jump.]

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Posted in Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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New Species of Hand Fish Identified… Let the Groping Begin!

Posted on May 25, 2010 by | 2 Comments

Increase in Underwater Shenanigans Expected

I don’t know what’s going on here, y’all.  Polar ice caps are melting.  Volcanoes are erupting and just won’t stop.  There are earthquakes everywhere, like, all the time.   Tsumanis.  Flooding.  Last week it was so windy in LA that a rock came hurling out of nowhere into my car and beaned me on the head.  Right on my own head!

What I’m saying is, shit is going down, y’all.  And nobody’s ready!  (Except Cypress Hill.  They’re always ready when the shit goes down.)  There’s a lot of weird shit happening and I want some answers.  And “2012 approaches” in not an answer.  That’s just dumb.

I’ve written about a few of these weird things over the years:

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Posted in Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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School Teacher in Georgia Allows Students to Wander Hallways Wearing KKK Robes

Posted on May 25, 2010 by | 10 Comments

Are you fucking serious?

Shit just got real.  Strike that.  Shit has been real, but the shit that has been simmering just below the surface is bursting forth from the bowels of the earth, shooting its liquid crappy stream hither and thither like… like… something that would shoot hither and thither from the fucking bowels of the earth.

So, remember how last week, a teacher in Alabama decided it was a good idea to teach his geometry class about angles using the age old example of “What angles would you have to use in order to assassinate Obama?” Well, now… now… we’ve got some idiot teacher in Georgia who didn’t think twice about allowing her students to march through the halls of their high school wearing KKK robes.

What the what?

I know, y’all.

BUT IT WAS FOR A FILM PROJECT ABOUT RACISM.

(And oh yeah, there were no black kids in the class… so you know… whatevs.)

I’ll admit it.  I have a certain admiration for the KKK robe. I mean, I obviously think the KKK is an asshat, but the uniforms?  You can’t deny the comfort of that uniform.  And, I’m all about comfort.  As soon as I get home from work, I slap on a pair of comfy pants and a t-shirt.  Hell, if I’m not expecting to leave the house on a given day, I won’t even bother to put on real clothes.  I will wear the same pair of comfy pants for four days, is what I’m saying, y’all.  So, you can imagine how appealing I find the KKK robe.  I bet it is hella comfortable.  Nonetheless, I have to say:

WHAT.THE.FUCK????

Have you taken leave of your senses?

You can’t be letting your students roam around school grounds in KKK gear!  But this teacher did:

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Posted in Angry Black Lady Chronicles, Criminally Stupid, Culture Critic, Now That's Some Racist Bullsh*t, Personal Tales, Please Die in a Fire

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