Monthly Archives: August 2010

This Dog is Doing the Merengue

Posted on August 31, 2010 by | 2 Comments

This is why dogs rool and cats drool.

(H/T Feist @Pajiba!)

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Posted in Cute Shenanigans

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Seriously AT&T? With the Phone Books?

Posted on August 30, 2010 by | 10 Comments

I’m tired of all these motherfuckin’ phone books on my motherfuckin’ door step!!

So I woke up this morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tired and pissed off, and decided a walk with old Nate Dogg would improve my mood.  Boy, was I mistaken.

As soon as I opened my door, what did I see?

A horror that is permanently imprinted into my eye areas:


Even Nate Dogg does not approve.


What the hell is going on?  I just got a phone book delivered on my door step in the beginning of June.  And, I appropriately expressed my outrage about said phone book.

Then on August 10, I got another uninvited phone book intrusion.  I did not blog about it, but I posted a picture on Facebook.  (And made a rather witty reference to The Police, if I do say so myself, which I totally just did.)  And a mere 20 days later, I get yet another phone book?  What the fuck do I need three phone books in the span of three months for?  What is going on?  People are just straight murderin’ trees to provide phone books to people who do not want phone books!  Indeed, to people who fucking hate phone books!  And these poor phone books?  They don’t want to be here.  They don’t want to sit unused and worthless in a closet only to be tossed away, tattered and torn, years later.  They want to be useful!  They want to be turned into other shit.  Like toilet paper.  Paper towels.  WINE.

Stupid phone book.

Even though I was uneasy by the phone book that appeared on my doorstep… for the third time in three months, I soldiered on.  First I kicked it.  Then I stared at it.  Then I flipped it off.  And then I said “Come on, Nate Dogg! We’re outta here!”

[more phone book horror after the jump]

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Posted in Culture Critic, I Am Batshit Insane, Personal Tales

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An Asshat’s Guide to Voting for My Black Ass(hat) for the 2010 Black Weblog Awards

Posted on August 30, 2010 by | 13 Comments

It’s the final countdown, y’all.  Please vote for me. VOTING ENDS ON TUESDAY AT MIDNIGHT!


(I’m really quite thrilled to have been nominated and if I don’t win, it will be a reason to drink whisky, and if I do win, it will be a reason to drink whisky. Either way, whisky is gettin’ drunk. But still… I must soldier on with this post…)

::ahem::

It has come to my attention that some of you ::looks around:: have not yet voted for me to be Ruler of the Black Part of the Internet. This vexes me.

I have, therefore, consulted with various committees, tribunals, and agencies and have come up with this Asshat’s Guide to Voting for My Black Ass(hat) for the 2010 Black Weblog Awards. It’s so easy an asshat could do it.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Turn Leave your computer on.

2. Click this link.

3. Scroll all the way down to the bottom.

4. Click NEXT PAGE to go to page 2.

5. Scroll all the way down to the bottom.

6. Click NEXT PAGE to go to page 3.

7. STOP! (collaborate and listen)

8. Click the little bubble next to Angry Black Lady Chronicles under “Best Humor Blog.” It’s the very first category on page 3.

9. Why do people say “very first”? Something is either first or it isn’t first. I’m never going to say “very first” again.

10. Scroll all the way down to the bottom.

11. Click NEXT PAGE to go to page 4.

12. Scroll all the way down to the bottom.

13. Click NEXT PAGE to go to page 5.

14. Scroll down to the bottom, but not all the way down.

15. Click the little bubble next to Angry Black Lady Chronicles under “Best Writing in a Blog.”

16. Go ahead and click that last bubble next to Angry Black Lady Chronicles under “Blog to Watch.”

17. Scroll down to the very bottom. (See what I did there?)

18. Click NEXT PAGE.

19. Type in your email address and then type in the captcha crap. If you get the captcha crap wrong, try again. (I usually get it wrong at least once.)

20. Rejoice for you have just made my day! (And Nate Dogg is pretty pleased too and will stop staring at you with his demon eyes.)

So to sum up:

Click this link. This is the most important part. The clicking of this link.

Then…

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Posted in Angry Black Reader Participation, Personal Tales

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Ahmed Sharif (New York City Cab Driver Stabbed Because He is Muslim) Needs Your Help… NOW.

Posted on August 29, 2010 by | 17 Comments

Donate to the Ahmed Sharif Family Support Fund…because it’s the right thing to do and we are not a nation of animals… yet.

[click this link to donate without reading my jibber jabber; make sure to add a note that the money is for Ahmed Sharif]

As most of you probably know, last Tuesday, Ahmed Sharif, a New York taxi driver, was viciously attacked by a 21-year-old film student named Michael Enright simply because Sharif is Muslim:

Ahmed Sharif, the New York City cab driver stabbed after allegedly being asked if he was Muslim, described the violent attack to local TV news reporters, saying he pleaded with his attacker not to kill him.


“He start yelling at like 39th Street and 3rd Avenue,” Sharif told the local ABC affiliate. “‘This is a checkpoint, this is checkpoint, motherfucker, I have to put you down.’”


“I saw the knife coming through my neck right here,” Sharif told FOX, showing his wounds. “Once I see his face, is so much anger and mad at me, I don’t know, and hate. He have to kill me. And I ask him, ‘Please don’t kill me, why you have to kill me, what I did?’”


“Then again he hit me, then I’m trying to fighting for life, protect myself, but still he cursing and yelling,” Sharif added.


On Tuesday night, Sharif was allegedly stabbed by Michael Enright, a 21-year-old film student. Enright has been charged with attempted murder as a hate crime.


Sharif met with New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg on Thursday and expressed his love for New York City despite the vicious attack:

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Posted in Angry Black Reader Participation, Political Shenanigans

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Paris Hilton Doesn’t Like Cocaine…

Posted on August 29, 2010 by | 3 Comments

She just likes the way it smells.

In news that tickled my schadenfreude bone, Paris Hilton was busted for cocaine possession on Friday night in Las Vegas.1

I’m sure many of you laughed and laughed until you peed and peed when you heard the news that the self-proclaimed drug-free socialite/do-nothing is actually drug-full. She’s so crammed with coke and weed that she moonlights as a drug mule for the Escobars. (Are the Escobars even around? Who controls the Colombian drug market these days? Lindsay Lohan, probably.)

Apparently, Erik Estrada a motorcycle cop trailed Hilton and her hotel mogul boyfriend Cy Waits after he saw a plume of smoke wafting from Hilton and Waits’ Escalade. The po-po pulled their dumbasses over and as Hilton was reaching into her purse for some lip balm, a little bag of Colombia’s finest fell out of her purse.

Ha ha ha! Ho ho ho!

Paris’ drug use is no secret. She was busted in South Africa at the World Cup for possession of marijuana, but was later released after Paris paid off the police officers the police officers determined that the weed wasn’t hers.

And, who could forget the horrifying four minutes she spent in jail in 2007 after she pleaded no contest to driving like a drunk asshat, after which she appeared on Larry King Reanimated Live and tried to convince America that she never does drugs.

Seriously. How stupid do you think this country is?

::crickets::

Never mind. I saw footage from the Glenn Beck rally.

Hey Paris?  Next time maybe go on the Bill O’Reilly Spin Class Factor Zone. The people who watch that shit tend to be dunderheads.

Anyway, at least her mug shot is better than her last. I guess practice really does make perfect. Although why the hell they were smoking in the car with the windows down is a mystery. I’ve got two words for you, Paris.

HOT. BOX.

1I’m blogging on the go in HTML with the WordPress iPad app which SUCKS ASS (do you hear me app developer? YOUR APP SUCKS ASS. FIX IT!) So apologies if you are confused by the formatting of this post (e.g., I have no idea what the photo import will look like because I can’t preview it before posting because of the aforementioned ass-suckitude of this app.)2
2 And by “apologies,” I mean “go fuck yourself.”3
3 And by “go fuck yourself,” I mean PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF BIEBER VOTE FOR ME FOR THE 2010 BLACK WEBLOG AWARDS, LIKE, RIGHT NOW!!


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Posted in Celebrity Shenanigans, Criminally Stupid

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Glenn Beck’s Restoring Honor Rally Featuring Sarah Palin aka Duchess Von Winkington

Posted on August 28, 2010 by | 10 Comments

Blah blah blah who cares.

Glenn Beck is going to restore honor to America… with Sarah Palin’s help. So, you know. Thank Biebs for that. While he’s busy doing that, I’m going to go to Palm Springs and hang out with a bunch of gays and minorities and other heathens. And after a full day of drinking by a pool in 112 degree weather, I’m sure I will need to restore honor to My Liver.

I’m not even the slightest bit riled up about this rally. It’s abjectly stupid and it’s self-aggrandizing. This is all about Glenn Beck. And anyone who doesn’t recognize that is an idiot.

Here’s a funny tidbit: The rally organizers handed out brochures and whatnot, advising all rally attendees to stay off the Green and Yellow lines on the DC metro:

If you are on the subway stay on the Red line between Union Station and Shady Grove, Maryland. If you are on the Blue or Orange line do not go past Eastern Market (Capitol Hill) toward the Potomac Avenue stop and beyond; stay in NW DC and points in Virginia. Do not use the Green line or the Yellow line. These rules are even more important at night. There is of course nothing wrong with many other areas; but you don’t know where you are, so you should not explore them.

Yes, do stay off the Green and Yellow lines. That’s where all the black people live. And black people are scary.

You might also want to stay off the Red Line at Dupont Circle. There are gay people EVERYWHERE and you wouldn’t want to accidentally catch the gay. I lived there for a while. It was all I could do to fend off the gay. It’s gone airborne.

Oh and by the way, idiots? You have to take the Green and Yellow lines to get to the National Archives which houses… say it with me… the UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION.

So, way to be an asshat, Tea Party.

The tiny blue sliver is the safe zone. I wonder if they evacuated all the black people?


Oh, Tea Partiers. I feel sorry for you. You actually have real grievances about shit, but most of you don’t know what the hell to think because you’re letting these crazy megalomaniacs fill your head with bullshit. Oh well. Nothing to do but leave you with a couple of clips from the Most Trusted Journalists in the business and then hop in my elitist car and drive to Palm Springs where I will celebrate the birthday of my rich liberal friend who is a mix of various ethnicities and colors (all of which are probably escary to ye olde Tea Partye), a bunch of Asian chicks (they could be terrorists! You never know!), and a whole lotta gays (and you know how they can be with their homo agenda). Taste the rainbow!

[videos after the jump]

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Posted in Please Die in a Fire, Political Shenanigans, Sarah Palin and Tall, Teabilly and GOP Mendacity

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Woman’s Day and Summer’s Eve Tells Women To Wash Their Vaginas if They Want to Get Ahead

Posted on August 27, 2010 by | 10 Comments

That smelly vagina is holding you back, ladies.

Wow, really? REALLY? It is 2010 and some asshats at an advertising agency actually greenlit this ad campaign which suggests that a clean vagina is most important for confidence at work? Who the…?? What the…?? Why the…?? How the…?? Where the fuck?!?!

This ad campaign is so unbelievably sexist — so utterly ridonkulous — that I figured it must be a joke. I mean, Summer’s Eve cannot possibly be suggesting that a woman’s stinky vagine may be preventing her from grabbing that brass ring. Not in 2010. Maybe in the 1950s. But not in 2010.

Well, it’s not a joke.

Here it is. Read it, weep, and then go clean your vagina:

Just so we’re clear, here’s how you can be better equipped to ask your boss for a raise:

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Posted in Everybody Loves Lists, Lady Bits, Weird Ass Shenanigans, What the Crap!?

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Dog Swims With Dolphin, Like, All the Time.

Posted on August 27, 2010 by | Leave a comment

Refuses to stop being cute

Here’s some cute crap for your Friday.

You’re welcome.

Now seriously, go vote for me.  you have 4 days left.

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Posted in Cute Shenanigans, Kick Ass

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Rush Limbaugh: Some African Americans say “Fourth of July ain’t no big deal to me, yo.” Wow.

Posted on August 27, 2010 by | 6 Comments

Rush Limbaugh’s asshattery knows no bounds

Rush Limbaugh’s brand of in-your-face racism is refreshing. It’s like a nice cold beer on a hot day. Here’s the world according to Rush:

Obama is lazy and doesn’t like being President. How does Rush know? Well, because Obama doesn’t get to the White House until 9 am. Duh. Bush got to work at 7 am! Ipso facto, Obama is a lazy Negro. Never mind that Bush went on vacation for 1,020 days of his presidency. (To put that in perspective, John F. Kennedy was President for 1000 days before he was assassinated.) During his first year, Bush was on vacation for 69 days. Obama? 26 days.

But wait! Don’t get upset, libs. He knows he shouldn’t be using the word “lazy” in reference to black folks. He was totes kidding! Obama isn’t lazy! (Or shifty or collecting white women in his basement.)

Oh no! He’s arrogant! In other words, he’s uppity. Both he and Michelle. They are two uppity ass Negroes. Who do they think they are? The nerve of these two! They’re always gallavanting about, not showing up for work until 9 am, pimp slapping every white person they see (because they’re racist, you know.) They think the White House is a prison. And dagnabbit, Obama is going to be one black dude who will not be imprisonified!

So he and Michelle avoid the White House. They don’t like living there. They’re not “down with it.” They don’t give a crap, and Rush can barely believe it. If he were President, he’d spend time learning about the White House; he would spend every minute looking into every “nook and cranny” in the White House — probably hoping to find some drugs. (I bet Rush is pissed that the Obamas changed some of the art in the White House to works by a bunch of ladies, and colored people and shit. Everybody knows the White House is supposed to be the hallowed hall of dead white men.)

You know what the Obamas’ apparent indifference to the sacredness of the White House? It’s kinda like how some African Americans say:

“Fourth of July ain’t no big deal to me, yo.”

Obama just doesn’t give a crap. He is some nancy boy who’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter. Sure he got into Harvard, but, according to Rush, somebody is covering for him. Obama didn’t get anywhere on his own merit:

“If Obama’s at Harvard and does C or D work, he’s gonna get an A.”1

Because Harvard Law School is in the business of electing any old C student to its highest student position, you see.2

I swear, listening to this particular clip is some of the most amazing and hilarious quasi-psychobabble I’ve ever heard. Rush Limbaugh is such a fucking jackass, it’s laughable. He is a sad pathetic man with a sad pathetic life and sad pathetic teeth, and his obsession with Obama is borderline deranged.

[video after the jump; @3:40 and 4:40 markers for brain 'splosions]

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Posted in Fox News Fvckery, Now That's Some Racist Bullsh*t, Please Die in a Fire, Political Shenanigans

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