Xin Nian Kuai Le, Bitchez

"I'm dancing in the streets!"

Happy New Years, Angry Black Readers.  It’s an ABLC tradition for me to write a Taiwanese New Year post*, so I would be remiss if I didn’t pen one this year.

It’s the Year of the Dragon in Asian people world, and no, I’m not late because the celebration goes for five days.  I have it on very good authority**, I’ll have you know.  Besides, Asians are late for everything, so in Asian People Time, I’m actually early with this post!

The Year of the Dragon is a very auspicious year in which to start up any major project.  The boldness of the dragon represents the boldness in which you have to approach the new year.  Remember, it is better to dream big and fail spectacularly than to dream small and succeed miserably.

In addition, the dragon is the symbol of the emperor.  This does not mean to live in a regal manner, however; it just reemphasizes the point that anything you do this year must be ambitious and worthy of an emperor.  The Year of the Dragon is not a year in which to wait or be indecisive.  If you have a dream that you’ve thought of accomplishing – this is the year.  No more excuses.  No more, “But but but but” sputtering.  Anything you want to do, do it now!

This includes romance, my dear Angry Black Readers.  If you have your eye on someone, now is the time to profess your love.  Again, don’t be timid about it.  Be confident and go up to your beloved, and say, “You, me, you, me, you, me!” while gesturing back and forth between you and your beloved.  I gotdamn guarantee that it’ll work. *** The sky is not a limit this year – it is merely a suggestion!

Yeah, so what I just wrote as to what the meaning of the Year of Dragon is?  I made it all up.  It’s another ABLC tradition that since I’m the in-house Asian, I get to say whatever shit I want to about Asian stuff and be taken seriously.  I did it last year, and I did it again just now!  However, the funny thing is that after writing the above paragraphs, I Googled what we can expect from the Year of the Dragon, and I was pretty accurate.  It’s like I’m channeling my inner Warrior Woman!

You have to watch out for us Asians.  We’re sly and inscrutable and shit.  Plus, ninja skillz in case the inscrutable thing doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s a super-cool video of sugar-painting, specifically dragons, to make up for my perfidy.  I am most sorry for pulling your leg.****   h/t Tom Levenson of The Inverse Square Blog, also a front-pager at Balloon Juice.

On a more serious note, I got to thinking about my ethnicity.  Obviously, I’m Asian American, Taiwanese American, to be precise.  I often like to joke that I was raised by wolves because I don’t share many of the cultural references with other Americans my age (almost forty-one).   I saw Star Wars and hated it, didn’t hear my first pop song until I was in sixth grade, and in general, lived in my own little bubble.

In addition, while my parents were very successful at their jobs, they spent their free time socializing with other Taiwanese people.  We attended a Taiwanese church, went to Taiwanese New Year celebrations and other Taiwanese-themed events, and both of my parents have since moved back to Taiwan.   They are both American citizens, but they refer to themselves as Taiwanese.  I have never heard them say they were Americans, though, they are proud of their citizenship.

I, on the other hand, am definitely more American than Taiwanese.  In fact, when I visited Taiwan as part of my semester in Asia, I was told by Taiwanese men that I couldn’t be Taiwanese because I was…they never finished the sentence, but I knew what they were trying to say.  I’m too mouthy, too loud, too opinionated, too whatever to be Taiwanese.  This was before I had tats, but I’m sure that would do nothing to change their minds.

That was a lifetime ago, yes, but even the last time I was in Taiwan (Christmas of aught-nine), I felt out of place and definitely AMERICAN.  I was born and raised in Minnesota, for Jeebuz’s sake.  You know.  The heartland of America?  Where the real ‘Murikans live?   I have a Midwest accent, though I have been told I talk as if I’m trying not to have an accent, and as I have said repeatedly, I am as exotic a lutefisk.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m proud of my Taiwanese heritage with its richness and the fantabulous food.  Seriously.  Check out this Flickr set of my brother’s photos from our last trip to Taiwan and try not to drool on your keyboard.

Plus, I have great skin and great hair thanks to my Taiwanese genes.  I look years younger as a result, and I don’t have to do any upkeep.  Sure, it’ll all fall apart when I’m in my seventies or eighties, but who cares at that age?   It’s the same genes that gives me very little body hair so I don’t have to shave anything.  I consider that a bonus.

Oooh, oooh, ooh!  Ninja skillz.   I haz ‘em.  That’s part of being Asian, too. We all know karate, and we’re not afraid to give you the chop.  Oh!  And we are experts at differential calculus.  And violin virtuosi!  It’s in our blood, yo.

I’m fired up by my Asian awesomeness!  I foresee great things for the new year.  This is what I promise my Angry Black Readers in the Year of the Dragon, coincidentally, the year of the endless presidential campaign.  I will give 110% in every post I write.  I will bleed for you people, and I will do it with my particular brand of flair and obnoxiousness.  I will post more often as I’ve been dreadfully slack as of late.

You know what else I promise you?  50% more snark!  75% more rusty pitchforking™!  100% more jazz hands!  And, most importantly of all, NO spirit fingers! *****

Happy Year of the Dragon, biiiiiitchez!

P.S.  The second video is by Vienna Teng, another Taiwanese-American woman just because I can.   Background vocals by Alex Wong.

*I wrote one last year.  That’s how a tradition starts!  It only takes one.

**My parents.

***Or get you punched in the nose.  You say tomato; I say, “Fuck you.”

****Actually, I’m not sorry at all.  I just needed an excuse to post the video.

*****YouTube it, if you dare.